i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
