I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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