Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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