I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
