i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
