Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
