I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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