I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My balls are so social today.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
