I smell stomach acid.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
