I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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