You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
