When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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