I think I won the penis lottery.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
