i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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