I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
