Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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