my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
