All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
