Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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