remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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