I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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