a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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