I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
