Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
