Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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