Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
