so that wasnt chicken after all
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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