Already got asked if we're dating
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
