I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
