He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
