Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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