no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
