Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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