Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
