I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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