forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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