I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
