I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
