How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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