My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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