I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
