wakey wakey hands off snakey
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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