you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
