Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
