I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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