ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
