Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
