At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
