What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
