i always forget guys have bellybuttons
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
