my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
