Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
