apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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