Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
