Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
